Honouring every birthday: How bereaved families celebrate and remember their child

Posted on December 9, 2025

Summary:

As SickKids marks its 150th birthday this year, two families share the meaning they find in celebrating the birthday of a child who has died.

Noah, who is in a wheelchair, and his family wear "SickKids VS" t-shirts, by a green forest.

Noah Hardy loved birthdays.

When he was occasionally admitted to The Hospital for Sick Children (SickKids), staff on the transplant unit would ask his family what he liked.

“They would ask us, ‘What’s Noah’s favourite thing?’ And we’d say his birthday,” says mom Melissa Hardy.

It made its way into Noah’s chart, and nurses would often start the day by singing Happy Birthday, even though it was never his actual birthday. Thankfully, he never spent any of his birthdays in hospital.

Celebrating at his grandparents’ house, his family would turn out the lights to sing Happy Birthday — and on non-birthday visits, Noah would walk into a room, turn out the lights and sing. He loved other people’s birthdays, too, often wishing them happy birthday multiple times that day.

Noah needed a liver transplant after he was born prematurely and became the youngest patient at SickKids to get one, at just 37 weeks. Despite not knowing how long they’d have with him, his family was grateful to spend 14 years with Noah, living every day to the fullest and seeing him bond with his younger sister and, later, his younger brother.

Standing in front of a blue SickKids VS banner, Doug and Melissa hold a printed photo of Noah, with the reflection of light in the pool behind him. — Melissa and Doug hold their favourite photo of Noah that they keep on the wall beside his bedroom door.

Every year on Noah’s birthday, July 18, his family celebrates with a pool party, barbecue, a cake with his name on it and, of course, singing Happy Birthday at both the backyard gathering and at his grave. The family shares stories, laughing about funny memories with Noah, and reflects on how they miss him.

“We celebrate him because he was such a true inspiration to so many people, that we keep his memory alive,” Melissa says.

Doug's tattoo, a red and blue shield with a star in the middle along with Noah's name and the date he was born and the date he died. Text underneath reads "There is a HERO in all of us."

Among the ways Melissa and Doug remember and honour Noah are tattoos that have his ashes in the ink. Doug’s is a superhero shield with Noah’s name.

It’s fitting, Noah's parents say, to share his story and love of birthdays as SickKids celebrates its 150th birthday this year.

“It's important to keep the memory alive and celebrate his birthday, because although he's not physically here, he's still growing,” Noah's dad Doug says. “Noah will forever be 14, but he’d be 20 this year. We want to celebrate that.”

Bereaved families often choose to continue marking their child’s birthday in their own unique way, creating rituals of remembrance and connection that honour their child. Lori Ives-Baine, one of two Grief Support Coordinators with SickKids’ Paediatric Advanced Care Team (PACT), encourages families to find those meaningful ways to celebrate.

As she says: “SickKids is celebrating our 150th birthday — it's a huge event, and it’s nonstop, which is awesome, because not many of us are ever going to get to 150. But wouldn’t we want other birthdays to be celebrated in a similar way?"

Sienna is wrapped in a peach coloured blanket, lying down in the NICU. Brittany, Tyler and Camden all stand at her side and look at her, smiling.

Sienna Kok was born on October 6, 2023 and transferred unexpectedly to the SickKids neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). Parents Brittany and Tyler cherish the three weeks they and their son Camden spent with Sienna.

“When Sienna died, we didn’t do a funeral or celebration of life — we felt like we said goodbye in our own way,” Brittany says. “But we wanted to do something for other people to celebrate her life, and we thought a year out didn’t feel as heavy.”

Brittany and Tyler landed on a “walk to remember” at a local park — giving their big family lots of space to gather. They spoke at the event, played a song a SickKids music therapist wrote for Sienna that features her heartbeat as the background and walked, before returning to enjoy baked goods and other snacks. A family member brought heart-shaped buttons and hats with Sienna’s name. Around 90 people joined.

“We wanted to do something that gave other people a chance to come together and think about Sienna and honour her,” Brittany says.

“And share her story,” Tyler adds. “We want people to know that we’re open to talking about her and remembering her, and it’s OK to talk to us about her and talk to Camden about her.”

Brittany and Tyler's hands form a heart over a blue plaque that reads "In honour of Sienna Lauren Kok."

The family held the celebration again on the weekend before Sienna’s second birthday. The family had also been fundraising in Sienna’s name, and on the actual day of her birthday, Brittany and Tyler made the drive to SickKids to see Sienna’s name on the donor wall.

Camden also got involved, helping add sprinkles to cookies and making announcements at the event.

“It’s a nice tangible way for him to get to be a big brother, too,” Brittany says.

The family remembers and honours Sienna in other ways. They notice peach-pink “Sienna skies,” like one they saw when they moved into their new house. Camden always makes sure there are fresh flowers in the house, for Sienna, and talks about his little sister “all the time.”

Thinking about Sienna’s birthday celebrations, what stands out is “just how happy people are to be there, and feel a sense of purpose to be there,” Tyler says.

“Our goal was for it to not feel heavy or sad,” Brittany says. “That was our goal with our time here with Sienna at SickKids too. We wanted our memories with her to be positive, and I think that has carried through.”

Brittany and Tyler, wearing peach, stand in front of a yellow railing. Brittany holds a framed photo of Sienna, and both hold a stuffed bear. — Brittany and Tyler, wearing Sienna’s colour, hold a photo of her — and Sienna and Camden's matching stuffed bears.

Dr. Sarah Lord, a physician on the PACT team and its incoming medical director, says bereaved parents have taught her that maintaining a bond with their child after they’re physically gone is a big part of surviving that loss. She notes that since birthdays are often celebrated with joy, it makes sense that bereaved families find meaning and connection in honouring that day.

“To me, one of the most beautiful parts of any child's legacy is the sense of joy and playfulness that surrounded them, and honoring birthdays is one way that parents and loved ones carry those memories forward, year after year.”

‘You have to do what feels right for yourself’

Three weeks before the birthday of a child who has died, SickKids’ Pathways Grief Support program sends a card to families.

“We’re thinking of you as you honour your child’s birthday,” it reads, along with some ideas from bereaved parents about how they’ve marked the day.

Sometimes that card can be enough to help families realize it’s OK to celebrate — and, in a world that’s still not fully comfortable with grief, grant permission to remember their child in whatever way they choose, Ives-Baine says.

“Parents anticipate they’re going to be celebrating their kid’s birthdays until they’re gone, so to imagine ‘I don’t have that anymore’ feels wrong for many families,” she says. “We really encourage them to find meaningful ways to celebrate — and we see those change over time.”

We really encourage them to find meaningful ways to celebrate — and we see those change over time.

What a family does the first year after a child has died, she notes, might be very different than what they do 10 years later. It’s a common conversation in the grief support groups the Pathways Grief Support Program facilitates, with parents sharing how they’ve marked the day. Some older children may also be able to help shape how they want their family to remember them and celebrate their birthday after they’ve died.

The advice Ives-Baine gives: “Imagine what you would do when your child is alive, and figure out how you could adapt it after they’ve died."

Noah’s dad Doug, who is also the co-chair of PACT’s Family Advisory Committee, has similar guidance.

“You have to do what feels right for yourself. Just like everybody grieves differently, those special moments in life, everybody's going to do something a little bit differently as well.”